beware of the budding wallflower!

This is a picture of union square I found on google.it kind of looks like a painting.I was drawn to it for some reason.It looks like a picture taken in England or something.But it is,the one and only UNION SQUARE

so I found out tonight that I live in NoHo.I guess the opposite of SoHo

What a great location,I think its the best place on earth. Theres so much to do!

Im swimming in possibilities.Is it bad that I find SOOO many guys hot?!

Even the psychiatrist who I was supposed to see tonight is hot

calm down Tiff!

The first thing I’d like to do tomorrow is go to my favorite local book store,”Strand” and finish reading the book on meditation that I started reading a few days ago. Im always drawn to the yoga,meditation,and Buddhist books

Tommorow I should be getting about $20.00 from my stepdad in my bank account.Doesn’t sound like a lot,but its better than nothing and its very generous of him.Im gonna get some good shampoo and condish with it.Probably fructis

I was gonna get a latte,but I’ve been reading that you should stay away from caffeine if you have anxiety.Do you think this is true?

Im debating whether I should close myself off from guys or talk to them,because my mental state is fragile right now and I don’t know if talking to them would make that worse or better?! feedback?!

Im looking forward to tomorrow,I  look forward to every day

oh sheet,my favorite song just came on(well one of) “LEAN ON”..love my house music,or whatever genre it is.

Anyways,im hoping to build this blog or a new one and get some followers cause I have a lot of good things to say.

I miss Brooklyn,when I get my government money Saturday I am gonna go to Brooklyn,or maybe Burlington coat factory,and look for a soft plush blanket.I miss Brooklyn,with all of my tough guys

what else could I do tomorrow.I would really like to watch the dogs,i think that is my favorite thing to do.

Bull dogs are my favorite dog, I think they are the cutest.But I have to tell you about an experience I had with little PJ.

I was at the local park in east new York Brooklyn by the shelter,and the friendly person that I am,i walked up to this little creature and his owner(a young boy about 7 or 8),and it was the first dog that I’ve had the courage to pet in a while because ive had some emotional issues.But he came up to me like a little angel.He was like a hot dog dog? I don’t know what breed but little and kind of long and fuzzy,he was the most precious little baby ive ever come across and then the scene got even cuter,when this little baby girl walked over, about 2 years old and she was like hey PJ! and then she got scared,giggled,and like waddled away.it was the cutest thing ever.

This little guy resembles PJ

I don’t know how people can abuse doggies.Thats so sad.

Im having a little bit of trouble getting through my fourth step in AA.I talked to my sponser and I felt like.

Heres a sort of recent pic of me.

TTYL

punk rock

 im in a punk rock mood right now.I don’t like girls.like that

I used to be a nanny

When I lived in Connecticut I was a nanny .and I babysat too.but when I was doing drugs I came to the family’s house high on methadone and it was a disaster.drugs can really make you do some crazy things.AA helped me to get off drugs,and all the s ponsers and supportive people that I met there.one time I left a meeting and was about to take pills and someone followed me into the parking lot and asked me if I asked me if I would empty out my adderall pills so I did.but I still went back to it again.

The girl in my room just gave me her sunglasses.that was really nice of her.

I just had saag paneer for dinner.that was pretty good.

One year I was renting a room in CT and there was no heat during the winter.it was very cold.right now I have heat and it feels good.

Well don’t know what else to write .supposed to go out for dinner with my sponser tommorow.I may or may not go.it depends..I have to go over my resentment list with her.I’m gonna try to stay in the moment.

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NoHo life

So I’m rele

Happy right now.I was brave enough to take a walk with my case worker and we went into kmart.we talked about how long I’ve been here,where I worked last,which was as a housekeeper at the new york sports club and she’s like cool,that’s very upscale.that made me feel good.

I’m feeling self conscious because I feel like I’ve been staring at guys dicks when I’m walking down the street so I’ve been wearing sunglasses.it really makes me self conscious.it’ll get better though,gotta have faith.

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doing laundry

So I’m at the shelter doing my laundry right now and it’s taking forever.I need to get a flat iron.I’m gonna try rite aid but I didn’t see one there for under 20$.My Max is 30$ otherwise I can check the beauty supply stores but I might have to go to brooklyn.

We’re lucky to be living here.

My fingers hurt,will update later.

My past

I’ve had alot of crazy things happen to me in my past.I want to talk a little bit more about my trip to woodstock.I was dating a guy and he had some serious mental health issues and we were doing drugs together and I moved into my own rented room and I was talking to this coke dealer and he came over and we did coke and I called my aunt at 10 at night and told her I was coming up to woodstock.I packed up said goodbye to my ex bf and headed there.when I got to the hospital I met this guy and we hooked up in one of the rooms and then we got discharged and met up at a hotel and did methadone and smoked weed and I ended up back in the hospital.then I found out he overdosed.

Anyways I’m getting bored of talking about yhis.I really hope things get better in my life.I am working on becoming a peer counselor.I am mailing out my application Monday and hopefully I get accepted into the program.that would be golden.I think by that time I should be in a good place and I should be “healed”.the peer program really holds a special place in my heart.there was this peer counselor Farrell he used to call himself “for real”just to make us laugh,which we needed.but he had kind of a serious demeanor but he was realky helpful.and when I was deathly afraid of leaving the hospital he was the one who told me that I could always come back if I needed to.I forget why I was afraid of leaving.

But,here’s some interesting stuff that will probably blow your mind.some people in their twenties are living with their parents,i was renting a room from this white woman and her black husband in an urban area of staten island.the woman cooked for me,brought food to my room!,was very caring and she had a son who was always on the phone,did some wrestling business.he was nice to me.one time I met his girlfriend she was cool.sometimes we had family dinners.that was nice.they also invited me over for thanksgiving.

Ugh can’t type anymore!

the new shelter

This new shelter thst I’m at is a mental health shelter and I’m already seeing manifestations of that,not that I’m perfect by any means.but there are people talking to themselves and such.

Even the atmosphere,i kind of feel like I’m in a mental hospital,but it also has the feel of the city,when I walk down the stairs,it reminds me of an old city building that my aunt and uncle used to live in.And there’s elevators too.which is cool.the other shelter I was on the fourth floor and there were 6 or 7 flights of stairs.it was brutal

Tonight for dinner we had chicken rice and spinach.to me,it was gross and I was gonna throw it away,then I felt eyes on me and I felt guilty so I offered the chicken to someone.I felt bad,but the chicken meat did not look edible

So I went to rite aid and got a bag of lime tostitoes and salsa and a small soda,and the cashier was very friendly and personable,he goes ,your getting THAT size soda for that huge bag of chips.it was a good point and I wanted to converse with him but I froze up in anxiety.

Anyways,when I got home I was overwhelmed with hunger.the tostitoes didn’t fill me up and I had goo much anxiety to walk to the store to get food,so I googled “guided meditation for hunger”and a Buddhist meditation came up and it said to think about how hunger feels and people that are suffering with the feeling multiple times a day and think of how we take food for granted and not to waste food anymore.so I made a vow not to waste food and miraculously my hunger went away and I felt great!

Woodstock hospitalization.

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I went to visit my aunt in 2009 and we did a bunch of drugs together.I was going to live up in woodstock but ended up in the hospital.it was an interesting experience.That’s when I first started to get into spirituality.I remember going into the town and getting the place under my lip pierced.I liked it.and then i was going to get a job in woodstock.

After I got out of the hospital I went back to CT to live with my boyfriend at the time.there were alot of drugs involved.it wasn’t good..

One of my boyfriends friends asked me for xanax once so I gave him a couple bars and then he passed out smoking a cigarette,it was really scary.xanax is no joke

I used to have this relentless buzzing in my head that paralyzed me and I couldn’t talk for years so that’s part of the reason I took drugs.all around the clock,i was taking vicoden Percocet benzodiazepines,Marino,smoking weed,I’m surprised I’m not more fucked up now,or that I’m even alive.

I’m not sure how the buzzing arose but I was involved in a semi sexual massage business and started having symptoms shortly after that.

I was working at the time but barely able to hold down a job .I was working at one source telecom.cold calling.I kind of liked it…

It’s 1:30 pm Friday and I’m in the most exciting place in the world,well one of,and I don’t feel good.but I’m gonna head back to the shelter to do some yoga and excercise.yoga is supposed to be helpful.I’ve been doing it for years.

Now that I think about it,i have been homeless alot but I have stayed with guys I was with so it didn’t feel like i was homeless.the problem

The problem with staying with some guys is that sex is involved.that was the case with one guy.we woukd get high every day,coke roxicet,all sorts of stuff.but we had really good sex

At the time I was on drugs and homeless,i was bartending,making pretty good money,and enjoying myself.at an indian restaurant.the food was really good.they gave us free food,which was shocking cause not all restaurants do.my favorite was the naan

Bread.I really would like yo go out for indian food.I think that’s my favorite food

I met this rocker dude online and he said him and his friend both want to take me out on a date.sounds kind of awkward.

Anyways the drugs really fucked up my mind.but in February I’ll be 2 years sober.

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I’m different

Well my whole entry just got erased like usual,but I was saying I’m different and full of stories

I need to get a skate board again.I used to have one but I don’t have it anymore.it was a really hot one.I’ve been seeing alot of skaters in manhattan.it’s cool to see them.I think the reason I like skaters is cause they’re interesting and some of them have been through alot of pain.I know I have

When I lived in CT,i went to a skate park,i think it was called rampage…hold on I just had a thought.

I like manhattan because it’s very sophisticated and I like the way people look at you.like your important and have value.at least,that’s what’s in my head…but yeah this one time I went to this skate park and there were some teenagers hanging out there and one of them recommended I listen to suicide silence.I think that’s screamo.

I don’t get men

I was just talking to this guy online and he just stopped talking to me.I don’t get guys.maybe he’ll respond later.and then meanwhile,the guys that I’m not interested in are blowing me up!

I’m kind of a skater,rocker girl at heart.I wish I could afford to buy clothes to reflect that.I’d wear plaid shirts and leather black studded jackets,vans,converses,etc etc.

I really went all out window shopping today,everything’s so expensive in stores in midtown,except forever 21.

Tommorow I should have some money cause my mom’s depositing money in my account and so is my step dad.

I wish I could work out my mental health issues,but I am working on getting a therapist to help me with that stuff.