“It is our light,not our darkness…That frightens us”

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I have been doing yoga for a couple of years now.There is something about the poses that makes you feel empowered. When i lived in Connecticut, i tried out Yoga classes at a gym called Crunch. I never really stayed for the whole class.But i remembered a couple of poses and i would do them on my own from time to time.Then i  joined Kaia Yoga in Westport,CT for $30.00 for the month,which was really cheap but i didn’t really stick with it then.

I started working at a place called Fresh Yoga, in New haven Connecticut and we were able to take free yoga classes.I noticed the calming effect of yoga,but i again discontinued it because i lost interest.

I have been struggling with chronic symptoms of a buzzing feeling in my head and a detatched feeling.When i was younger,i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder,and a few years ago i started doing dialectical behavioral therapy.I attended a seminar at yale about Borderline personality disorder and at one point,psychiatrists gave us the opportunity to pass forward an idex card to answer any question we pleased.Dissociation, being a symptom of Borderline Personality disorder,i asked what the best way to deal with the   Unknown-5

dissociation would be. The psychiatrists answer was, yoga is the antidote to dissociation. So it was good that i got the opportunity to work at fresh yoga fora  while. When i moved to New York,Ironically since i had just worked at a fitness center,I started working at a gym and also had access to free yoga classes,as well as pilates.I was really extra eager to learn about the pilates class because i just felt a good energy about the exercise.

A friend of mine gave me a yoga/pilates CD and i was able to focus enough to do the whole class,which in the past was very challenging for me.So i decided to invest in a yoga CD and for the past 2 1/2 weeks i have commited myself to doing yoga at least once or twice a day

It has empowered me so much.At first,just starting out,i wasn’t seeing immediate results so i wanted to give up.

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But i didn’t. I have been raving about the yoga to other people,trying to share my experience and encourage them to try it.Some people are responsive ,other people are skeptical,just like i was.

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Im gonna wrap this up in a minute cause im really excited about asking my family to read this blog(its the hippest one i’ve made yet i think lol) but PILATES PILATES PILATES. get into it!

Yoga on the beach at sunset In Coney Island!

I had the oppportunity to go somewhere really cool yesterday-Coney Island,in Brooklyn.What a fun place.Getting off the train, i was greeted with explosive color and familiar restaurants.Nathan’s.OMG im such a sucker for their fries.If you’ve ever had them,you know what im talking about. The instructions on “Meetup.com” Were to meet at “Lola’s surf shop” at 7,but i arrived a bit early.I was feeling a bit anxious but i had about an hour to kill before yoga,so i went into a shirt selling coney island memorabilia and struck up some conversation with one of the employees. He was originally from boston but moved to Brooklyn with his girlfriend.We shared common interests,like we both are skateboarders. After that i went to lola’s surf shop at quarter of and,oh wait pause for a second. You know those mexican “throw” blankets that have that popular “aztec,tribal looking design” They were selling them in like four different colors,and i have wanted one for a long time,they were selling for $15(What a deal) and for no reason really,i haggled with the merchant and got it for $13.Then i went over to the surf shop and was greeting by the yoga instructor.She was so friendly.Another girl came up to us,She had travelled all the way from Westchester for the class.All in all there were probably about 12 of us for the yoga class. The beach was beautiful,so vast.Im from connecticut and there are really no waves,but there were some crashing waves at this beach.I had been doing yoga every day for about the past week so i was looking forward to it. I tried to soak in the scenery and do the poses at the same time.I looked over my shoulder and it was just so cool to see the whole class in sychronized poses.What an experience.I would definitely do it again.

Just a connecticut girl in a New York world

How many people are fortunate enough to be able to relocate to one of the most exciting places in the WHOLE entire world; New York effin City!For the first time,a striking Tall man asked me if i knew where the “E” train was.Was it the backpack i was wearing? Lately im working on not comparing myself to other people.I start getting really anxious and overly excited about seeing people in business suits,I feel like its like seeing a celebrity.I was at the diner a couple of weeks ago and i was talking to this guy about a guy i have a crush on and he was telling me not to put other people on a pedestal.He said “they have a life just like you,they are not better than you.So i started to walk with a new confidence.Same old me,but new perspective.Noone is above me.Envy is a useless emotion, cause why would i,how could i add anything to me.Im absolutely perfect.

It was funny,cause in the last month on face book i have seen two advertisements that have irony to my life.It was an advertisment for a sweatshirt with text on it;One said “its a Tiffany thing”
The other said “Just a Connecticut girl in a new york world”
Sorry if some of my writing doesn’t make sense but bear with me,Im trying my best to articulate my experiences.I just feel so fortunate to have been able to make this move.I’ve been renting rooms in houses for years now,so all i did for this move was go on craigslist,find a room,and voila.Im here.This is like a fresh start, a new beginning for me.Thanks for reading,talk to you soon!

You don’t have to do drugs to avoid mental issues

In 2007,I started having pretty serious mental issues.I wouldn’t even know what to call it,but i identified a little bit with depersonalization.Even though my experiences have shaped me,I recently thought that it would have been a good idea to have gotten a good therapist instead of thinking that drugs were the only option to alleviate my stresses.

There are alot of resources out there to help people with mental issues. Some people think that getting help or assistance is a weakness,but if you want to better your life, sometimes its better to get a little help.

I started abusing drugs in 2006,after discovering the mood enhancing effect of ambien,which was administered to me at a psych hospital.From then until 2012 I abused many drugs,such as adderall,cocaine,benzodiazapines,painkillers,and many more. I thought my problems were bad when i had depersonalization,but the emotional suffering that drugs caused me was UNBEARABLE.

For the first couple of years of doing drugs,I didn’t experience too many emotional problems,because there was never really a time where i wasn’t under the influence of something. But i got into relationships that i shouldn’t have been in and probably would have never gotten into had i been sober.My potential was great but that and my growth were heavily stunted by the use of drugs,and not getting the proper help for my mental issues.

I liked the feeling of being high.I was able to conversate and have fun. In 2009, I started having a weird tingle in my head that to this day is still affecting me.I used to take drugs to suppress it.It still gets in the way with my functioning,but now I see a therapist and she has been aiding me with coping skills and support to try to overcome it.

Over the past 7 years i’ve been in psych hospitals almost 30 times or more. They were seriously getting sick of seeing me.I didn’t know what else to do.

I learned about something called “mindfulness” in Dialectical Therapy program i attended.Mindfulness is about being present,being in the moment. Also, i have learned about meditation and prayer.I believe in a higher power.If you google guided meditation on youtube,you will find thousands of video’s of guided meditation that will help you to relax if your stressed out.

Is a trust fund good or bad?

I was given a trust fund about 4 years ago. I recieved monthly allowances for the first couple of years,then the entire remaining sum of it was given to me at 26 years old. I was sitting with my Aunt in her garden one summer day,when she broke the news that i was going to be receiving a trust fund. Having suffered with mental illness for the past couple of years,i didn’t understand how it was going to make my life any easier,like she said it would.

I never really felt grateful for the money,and i complained that i didnt feel like i earned it. All of my bills were paid for years,including rent,cell phone,car insurance,storage,etc. If there was a mechanical problem with my car,i would just call my Aunt and it would be paid over the phone for me.

When i was living in a sober house,with about ten girls,i became self conscious of bringing home shopping bags full of new clothes,and bedding,when the other girls hardly had enough money to make ends meet with. 

Every time i got a job, i would wonder,whats the point, and think things like, “well if i get fired,or this doesn’t work out for whatever reason,oh well.” Whereas other people would take their jobs alot more seriously. It became evident to me that i was going to have to start earning money again,if i wanted to survive in this world

When i recieved the full sum of money,i blew through it fairly quickly. And as i sit here on my $1400 Macbook Air Laptop,i think about how fortunate I was to be able to purchase things like this.How many people can go into BCBG and drop $750.00 on three items.And walk away,feeling no dent in their pocket.Or going to the mall and dropping $500 dollars at Michael Kors. Oh,the things i could do!

You would frequently find me taking road trips,aimlessly driving on the highway,unmindful of the amount of gas i was using

I’ve been on my own since i was 18,usually renting rooms in people’s houses.After years of drug abuse,failed relationships,a very hard time earning a living for myself,and homelessness, I finally came into the money and my life got a little bit easier,at least financially.I barely even knew that I had bills because everything was being paid for me. 

Recently i’ve realized that i have to work to earn a living.So i have two jobs now.It feels good to be earning money again.

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